By Marianne Lyons Delorey, Ph.D.
If you want to go fast go alone. If you want to go far, go with a friend.
– African Proverb
I have often found it easier to relate to people who were not my agemates. As a child, I often visited elderly neighbors (granted, they offered candy), and around the table at family events, I often sat with my aunts instead of playing with my cousins. I have always been social, but I remain somewhat hesitant with my peers and having friends who were either older or younger has offered me a bit of respite from my awkwardness.
There is little doubt about the health benefits of friendships. There is even some evidence now about how friendships affect the human body.
But why intergenerational friendship? What does that have to offer? Well, in addition to all the great benefits of a typical friendship, an intergenerational friendship offers:
- Perspective – Perspective can come as a result of history or lived experiences. it is my experience that it is very easy to get caught up in the minutia of your life. Worrying about what to make for dinner or how to stand up to the office bully takes a lot of brain power. When we step outside our day-to-day lives, we can more easily see that some problems are just not that big. When you have an older friend who just beat cancer, or when your younger friend just got into college, the problems we believe are huge are softened.
- Continuity and connection – having friends from other generations in my life has offered me the chance to see how I am connected to the past and the future. My high school social studies teacher became a friend after I graduated. Being her friend gave me a stronger connection to my high school, but also to teaching as a profession and the history of the town in which I grew up.
- Playing the odds – In the same way that we are always advised not to put all your eggs in one basket, having friends of multiple generations offers us the chance to set ourselves up for success. I have heard many older people bemoan how difficult it is to lose all their friends. If they invest in some younger friends, it is less likely they will outlive them all.
After my father passed in 1999, I was always so impressed that his best friend, my godfather, continued to call and check in on my family. I was busy making my own life, but Uncle Luke stayed in my life, although mostly at the periphery. Over the past few years, not only has he been calling, but he has been asking me to come meet him for dinner. We meet once every other month or so.
An aunt recently commented that it was so kind of me to come halfway across the state to meet him, but really, the benefits far outweigh the inconvenience of traffic. Because of Uncle Luke, I have learned:
- Perspective – I love hearing his stories bout growing up during and after WWII.
Did you know that during WWII we had an internment camp in Boston?
- Connection – I learned from Luke what my father’s life was like growing up and how all the Roxbury friends came to be family.
- Better odds – It is easy to see that Luke has better odds with me as a friend as I am much less likely to die before him, but it is also true that I have better odds now. Being close to him gives me the chance to survive longer because of the psychological and physiological benefits of our friendship.
So my advice is to find yourself a new friend. I understand it is not that easy, but to get a friend, be a friend. Connect with someone who needs help and create a long lasting relationship that benefits you both. You will both go farther.
Marianne Lyons Delorey, Ph.D. is the executive director of Colony Retirement Homes. She can be reached at 508-755-0444 or [email protected] and www.colonyretirementhomes.com
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