By Marianne Lyons Delorey, Ph.D.
“Grown old along with me. The best is yet to be.” – Robert Browning
This past weekend, I attended a 25th anniversary vow renewal ceremony for a couple we are friends with. As part of the ceremony they talked about each of the 17 vows they made to each other when they married. Many had stood the test of time, but many had to be adjusted for their current ages and where they are in life. For instance, they promised to make and nurture a family. Now, their nurturing days have passed, and their children are on their own.
This made me think about what vows would look like if we made them to our aging family members, friends, and spouses. After so many years in eldercare, I think we should be careful not to make promises we can’t and shouldn’t keep . “I promise you won’t have to leave your home” comes to the top of my mind. Or even, “I promise to care for you.” Life is too uncertain and I do think it is unreasonable of elders to ask people to sacrifice their lives for their comfort. I do, however, believe there are some promises we can still make each other. Especially if these vows start with “I will try.”
While we don’t typically make vows to non-spouses, I like the idea of offering these. And so, my dear friends and family, here are my promises.
As we age, I will try
- To support your dreams in retirement. To help you create a bucket list and encourage you to meet as many of your goals as possible. If you want to get into photographing birds, I will learn the names of birds with you.
- To think of your needs as your body fails. We will only go to restaurants that don’t have a horrible echo if you wear hearing aids.
- To be honest. If your clothes start to smell, I will tell you the truth.
- To trust you. If I need to shower or if my outlook on my daughter-in-law is too harsh, I will listen to your point of view.
- To spend time together. If you are sick and I can visit, I will. I want to visit you and sit beside you if there isn’t more to say. When we can, we will do fun things together and laugh about what we used to do.
- To listen. I will be your shoulder to cry on when times are hard. I will hold your hand and help you remember the good times when you are hurting.
- To respect you. I will respect your thoughts, your family, and your traditions, especially when they differ from my own. This may mean I am stepping back from you and letting your family have more time with you. I will respect your right to make decisions when you can and try my best to do what you would have wanted when you cannot.
- To help you remember things—big and small. It may be where you put your keys, your son’s birthday, our shared story, or even your own name.
- To forgive you. If I am to die first, I will forgive you every wrong you committed, understanding that you did your best so we don’t part with unfinished business.
- To honor you. If I die first, I will honor you and our friendship by remembering you.
And so, together we age. I hope my friends and family can make the same vows to me. Mazel Tov!
Marianne Lyons Delorey, Ph.D. is the executive director of Colony Retirement Homes. She can be reached at 508-755-0444 or [email protected] and www.colonyretirementhomes.com
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