By Marianne Lyons Delorey, Ph.D.
“Sometimes asking for help is the most meaningful example of self-reliance.” – Cory Booker, U.S. Senator.
The other day, we had a big party in the community room. We were all having a grand time when one resident introduced herself to me.
“You must be new,” I said.
“No,” she noted. “I just don’t come out to a lot of events. I’ve been here eight years.”
A few minutes later, she needed to leave in a hurry as her blood sugar was dropping and she needed to be in her own space. I insisted on accompanying her.
“There’s no need to worry,” she said. “I know what to do.”
“I am certain you do,” I soothed. “But I can’t leave someone in the middle of a health crisis. I will stay until you start feeling better.”
We chatted while she drank some juice. She talked about her apartment and how she is very comfortable there, but that she doesn’t get out much because she wants to be close to home in case she needs to get home in a hurry.
I offered to call her family, but she explained that she tries so hard not to upset her daughter, so she may not tell her everything.
I told her that allowing yourself to be worried about and fussed over is hard for those of us who take care of people for our whole lives. I said that allowing someone else to take care of us is, in itself, a good deed. She had a hard time seeing the world that way. I suggested she think about how too much self-reliance actually denies their family so many valuable lessons and feelings.
Caring for someone:
- Brings caregivers into the moment. Today, I sat beside an elder while she waited for a COVID-19 test result. She needed someone to sit beside her in part because her memory was failing, and she might just walk away. Sitting there was therapeutic because I couldn’t be doing 100 other things—it made me prioritize and live completely in the moment for 30 minutes.
- Gives caregivers a great sense of purpose. When one of my elders is particularly anxious, I know that my being beside them means so much. There is absolutely no task more important than caring for someone when they need us the most.
- Allows us to appreciate how we would feel if our independence was limited. None of us can get through this world alone. Watching and learning how someone practices vulnerability will model the behavior we will need to embrace someday.
- Allows others to start the process of grieving them. Even a minor event helps caregivers face mortality. Those who lose family members suddenly never get the chance to pre-grieve their elder and may suffer from a more traumatic loss as a result.
- And most of us, especially those of us who care for older family members, will finally be able to give back to those that cared for us when we needed it most.
I think one of the most generous things our elders offer is the opportunity to care about them. It is hard, especially in a society that values independence, but it is a gift we can offer our families.
Marianne Lyons Delorey, Ph.D. is the executive director of Colony Retirement Homes. She can be reached at 508-755-0444 or mdelorey@colonyretirement.com and www.colonyretirementhomes.com.
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